Moving On

This blog has, for many reasons, been discontinued. If you enjoyed it and want more let me know!

Distraction Technique

Am leeching off dear friend Neil’s wi-fi as the ‘incredibly generous person’ near me who had an open connection got wise and closed it. Wise person… grrrr… Anywho.

There is wrestling on the TV which disturbs me. There are men bitching at each other like two old ladies. This is the oddest place I have posted in… and my mind is blank. I think this will take forever to write.

Relationships. That’s what the conversation is about. Re-la-tion-ships. Yep. There’s a conversation I am really good at. (Any of you laughing are getting a glare… and then an embarrassed nod.)…

Currently about how many degrees of separation is sensible between ex- and current. A friend of your ex is okay, but a best friend is a no. The best is the bit which is important because, says one, your current girlfriend has to have someone they can talk to about you… because your ex can never talk to your current girlfriend. One was telling about the ‘scariest moment of his life’ – the moment his current girlfriend admitted knowing his ex… so it’s not really the ‘best’… it’s the friend… (See bloke’s change their minds too)…

The other bloke – yes, in a heartbeat.

I put forward ‘would you go out with a friend of a friend of your ex?’

At first it was a straight yes from one… buuuuuuut, oooo, chinese whispers of information would get through and would this be worse? There is the thing that excuses can be made easily, ‘she’s crazy – it never happened like that’…

Ex’s sister? Yep.

Ex’s mother and all other age appropriate female relatives? (Yes from one) The other umm-ed and argh-ed about it – it apparently depends on how close they are. (Not how closely related they are, how close friends they are).

Would the men here go out with their best friend’s ex? Yes, yes, yes. There is an element of violence (this started a one up – you’d never be able to hurt me thing which was quite funny) coming from their best friend that they would have to deal with… and also an element of comparison… buuuuut if she was a supermodel and his best friend was on the other side of the world it wouldn’t matter.

The supermodel clause apparently overrules everything.

And because I like to torture them (and my mind was still blank) – who is the most attractive woman in the world? Eliza Dushku as the first straight answer from ‘depends guy’ (whereas we all know it’s Katherine Heigl)… The one who said yes to sleeping with anyone said “there is no such thing as the most attractive woman in the world – every woman is beautiful in her own way” which simultaneously made me go awwwww and throw up a little. Mind you he said this while playing Battle for Middle Earth 2.

Both men are single.  Both men have complicated ex- lives.  Both men need help… A little…

The reason why I posted all this is because I have been watching too much CNN and freaking out about So-Cal and all you guys who live there.   I am hoping, wishing, praying that you are all okay…  The news is really scary.  I shouldn’t be allowed to watch the news channels.

[tags] mind of man, degrees of separation, [/tags]

The Search Goes On

Why is there never a glass of something around when you want one?  Why does no one want to employ me?  Is my CV really that rubbish?  Why is Royal Mail striking again?!  Why hasn’t my suitcase full of money arrived?!  ARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!  I am beginning to lose hope.  I don’t know what on earth to do anymore.  There just doesn’t seem to be any point.

Yep, so it’s Wednesday, middle of the week and I am feeling a little bit… down.  NO, that’s the wrong sentiment.  Not down as in climbing under the duvet and staying there for a week.  I feel…  personally useless.  Yep, that’s the one.  I have been sending out press releases for the Scouts which makes me feel a little bit useful but then  I turn to my stuff and see that it’s all a bit rubbish really.

I’ve got to shake myself out of this.  It’s either that or the cardboard box/homeless Mac owner scenario.

New city?  Maybe it really is time for a new city.  I mean Preston is lovely… sometimes… but it really enjoys smacking me around the head and I am not into the pain so much.  So…  yes, I have commitments around here but what can I do? Seriously.

Oh, I know I’ve written this (or a variation of this) over and over again but nothing really seems to change.  I know there are no magic answers and a fairy godmother isn’t going to appear out of thin air but once, just once, I would like something to go my way.  Just once.

I did something yesterday that I haven’t done in a long time.  I went and sat in a church and prayed.  Don’t know why.  I was walking past and the door was open and my feet just led me inside.   Mind you, I suppose this was a better idea than going to a bar and spending lots of cash I don’t have.

So, instead of plugging in my postcode into my favourite jobhunt website I left location blank and hunted through the hundred’s of things I might be qualified for and have blanket sent out my CV in the hope that someone somewhere will go, huh.

I have even sent some abroad in the hope that someone somewhere will go, huh, in (please God) English with an accent.

In the meantime if anyone anywhere knows any company who is looking to employ… etc etc etc.

Jeez, is it really supposed to be this hard?

[tags] work, job search, [/tags]

Creeping Around

Okay, was asleep, then I awoke to a bang downstairs, definitely the sound of someone downstairs…  I grabbed my trusty mobile (for it has light) and headed to the head of the stairs.

There’s a shadow.  It looks like someone wringing their hands together in preparation to wring my neck. OhmyGodOhmyGod ohmygodohmygodohmygod…  What the hell am I going to do?   Flicking open my phone and poising my thumb over the 9 ready to dial so the emergency services can hear my screams I gingerly put my foot on the top step.  The shadow definitely moved ohmygodohmygodohmygod – this is it.  I am going to die at the hands of a petty chav thief who got in through the walls.  Back door!  I forgot to lock the back door!!!!!!  I am so stupid – they can put that on my tombstone.  ‘Here lies Bec – she was so stupid’

Foot on the bottom step now, I can hear breathing and a weird thumping sound.  I can hear their heart beating!  Their blood must really be pumping with the promise of my murder.  I’ll put the light on and temporarily blind them before running out the front door and screaming the street down.  Yes!  Plan!  Get a good look at their faces so I can identify them later.  Infallible plan!

Wait! No!  Adam, 22 year old ‘baby’ brother is here – staying over for a couple of days.  Typical this had to happen with company in the house.  If they had come yesterday… You can’t leave him in the house to suffer the same fate.  You can’t wake him either – he has a long day ahead of him!  Okay, turn on light, surprise/blind them and negotiate your life for his or something.

Okay one two three… four five six…

Paralysed.  The shadow looks weird, like he has a third arm and he’s just waving it aound.  A bit like… the… tree outside my window.

Cough…

Locking back door now…

[tags] delusional, not home invasion[/tags]

Words on Screen

Am enjoying a monet of open hot-spot joy.  I noticed there werw bars showing on my Airport and clicked and prayed!  Oh yeah, internet at home for a second!

So, the first episode of Ugly Betty was genius.  I swear to god, burst into tears at the end.  “He’s gone”.  Loved it, loved it, loved it but you all know that – you all saw it, right? Ahhh, ne’ermind.

The joyous thing about it all was after Ugly Betty there was a ‘Comedy Showcase’ thing – part of Channel 4’s ‘Oh God, we’ve been going for 25 years and 99% of the good stuff we show is American but we’d better put on an effort’.  Martin Freeman.  He’s funny.  Shame the script wasn’t.  Well, there was one line, “I can’t go to prison.  I only lasted three weeks in the cubs.”.  Well, there was another line, well… okay some of it was funny.  But it was smile wryly at the effort made – like the look you give kids when they mix mud and water and tell you it’s coffee.

It was a night of things starting – Numb3rs on ITV (yes, that’s right there was a show on ITV that I wanted to watch – this is the fourth sign of the Apocalypse).  Judd Hirsch, David Krumholtz (you’ll always be Mr Universe to me) and Peter MacNicol – just joy joy number-y joy.  I mention it to loosely drift into a small rant about subtitles,

I may have mentioned my Subtitler’s need a kicking thing before but today while enjoying Numb3rs I had the subtitle’s on and they were talking about Pi.  Now this is a show with the title numbers, they were talking about formulaic equations (and other intelligent things I could never really understand) but the subtitler took it upon him/herself to continuously write the word PIE.  For God’s sake!  Over and over again PIE PIE PIE PIE.  In my head it got to the point where I was bashing the eeeeeeeevil subtitler about the head with a large metal vowel screaming NO E! NO E! NO E!

I understand that you can’t add every ooo and ahh to subtitles but every scripted word is a start right?  I mean, screen writers have spent days, weeks, months wracking their brains for the right words or even the right sentiment!  My favourite of the last few weeks was on (mumble, mumble) – a character was leaving and was asked “Can I call you?”  and she answered with a smile “You can”.  On the subtitle was, as clear as day, “You can’t.”  Now this is okay for those of us who can hear but for those who subtitles are intended the shift in the character and the story would have been quite surprising.

Live subtitling is always funny to read.  It’s a ridiculously hard job and one I could never do myself but pre-recorded shows where they have time to check it?  Jeez…

Okay, am over that at the moment (except for a reminder that I want to meet the person or persons who subtitled The West WIng and beat them upside the head with a script).

As you might be able to tell I wrote that Friday night and was a little nit annoyed, but am fine and calm now.

Honest!

[tags] subtitles, Ugly Betty, TV is great again, [/tags]

In The Library

Okay, so am trying this whole posting in the library thing.  It’s quiet, there are people walking behind me and I can hear air conditioning so concentration is at about the same level as usual.

I will fix the design issues next time I am online somewhere I can upload.  Probably next weekend if I am still in my house… which is looking increasingly unlikely.

Got back a couple of job replies, still nothing on the cards.  Considered becoming a nun, and there is no real reason for me not to except I’m just not that pious.  So, am considering becoming a ‘Homeless Mac Owner’ instead.  I did, for about 30 seconds consider selling my MacBook but the horrors that ran round my brain afterwards were too much for me.  Am shivering just thinking about it.  I mean, I would have to buy another computer anyway to do the Scout administration stuff and things for finding a job and all that.  If I bought a new one it would come with Vista on it and life is too short for that, and if I bought an old one the speed issues would drive me to distraction!

So, cardboard box/sleeping bag and my Mac which I would power with that nifty solar panel thing you can get.

Sorry this is so short but the clock now reads 2 minutes (that’s right there is a countdown in the corner of my screen) and I have to make sure that this saves… or I will scream… and the librarian looks as if she is a terminal shush-er…!

[tags] blogging in public places, homeless mac owner [/tags]

Really Beginning To Grate

This is hard.  Trying to write a post when I’m not in the habit.  I have been writing in my diary again for the first time in ages just to have an outlet for the drivel in my head.  I suppose I could just post to the local version of Camel but it doesn’t feel right.  I guess I really do write for an audience.  But here goes.

Okay, so.  I am in a position of needing a job quite desperately.  I went and sat in a recruitment office for what felt like 1000 years while they reeled off jobs that I am either a) not qualified to do; b) am over-qualified for (their words); c) would be bored doing (do I look like I care about being bored?) or d) can’t do because I don’t drive.

I really need to get back on that particular saddle again.  Desperately.

Desperate, as you may be able to tell is the word du jour (is that right, who can tell?).

So,  the housemates left.  Presumably they went back to South Africa but who can tell?  They left telling me they were going on holiday to the Canary Islands for a week.  That was nearly a month ago.  I had an inkling that something was goign on but genuinely thought that… ARRRRGGHHHH… y’know?  Mind you it’s better that they are back in S.A. and not, where my mind went, dead on a beach somewhere.  So, tha plus no job plus life means I am leaving my lovely house and finding something new. Again.

But before all that a mission has become cleaning the house and not living like a student for 10 minutes.  I put books and nonsense on shelf.  And then took a photo.  A hard days work.

So, world, oyster etc.  Maybe I should sign myself up to one of those mail order bride websites and find me a rich American… except I’m not Russian/Eastern European/sexy in anyway.  But I can take photos (ish), write (ish) and I do a mean Excel spreadsheet.

It has been pointed out to me that I came off as a little nuts in that post a few months ago.  Again.  drunk.  Red wine I should stay away from oh yes.  Cough.

So TV is in no way as exciting as it is in the States where all the shows I love are showing season +1 to whatever was just on here but as least Ugly Betty starts on Friday and Robin Hood season 2 is on Saturday and Californication (little nostalgic sigh for David Duchovny) starts on the 11th… and Studio 60 is still delighting me every single week.  there probably are other things I should be enjoying but sleep and writing, yes WRITING have become quite big parts of my day.  I am writing what I know which means the end result will be interesting to me and a small circle of people who thought they knew me.  Ish. It was going to be a straight telling of my humdrumness but I have dragged two or three fictional things out of the cupboard and am schmooshing them all together to make a worldwide bestselling tour de force that will be finished early 2008…ish.  Yes, I am definitely going to finish this particular project.  Oh yes.

I can’t believe I have missed Talk Like A Pirate Day and all that September brings. The internet really has become like a second home for me and not being able to get on is like having the door to my favourite room blocked up, or being told you can never eat cheese on toast again.

I am also having trouble believing that it’s October.  then I step outside into the biting cold that has descended, fall over the 5 million conkers lying on the pavement and I raise my hands and proclaim, “I believe, Hallelujah!”  or something similar.

Scout things are going well.  We had our re-opening and made money (even though it was not a fundraising event).  Even when we don’t try we can do it.  Since then we haven’t really had a ‘thing’ to work for so focus is being lost.  I, of course, have no life so was starting to obsess a little about it.  But after nearly walking out on it for good last month calm has prevailed and I have realised that there are some people you are never going to change, there are some people who are never going to get excited about things again, there are some people who have lives that have more than one thing in them.  Crazy.

Okay.  I am going to go back to Bloglines and try to visit everyone.  If I don’t get to you it doesn’t mean I don’t love you; because I do, I truly do; it’s just alphabetical.  I will on my next visit to a hotspot. I swear.

Until next time.

[tags]job hunting, house hunting, housemate hunting, TV, Scouts,[/tags]

Sporadic

I am hating this. I am not in anyway approving of my life choices and am very something (I do know the word for it, honest, but it is now 6 something in the morning and I have to be up in no time at all to go to a Flower Show. Oh yes, a Flower Show… it’s a ‘cheer up’ trip from my Mum. Bless. I hope there’s a geeky bit somewhere.)

Life could suck more but not really. Still without job, still feeling like rubbish, still having less money than (what feels like) everyone and still waiting for that suitcase full of cash I ordered seven thousand years ago.

BUT, having a purpose at the moment. I finished putting my ‘other’ site together. Out Of My Tree. It’s beautiful and stuff… then my brother saw it and told me he liked the design for his site… So the ‘Sister’ bit of me won and he gets the design… If he doesn’t actually use his site I may become a little un-sisterly…

So, purpose number one is the redesign of ‘Camel and ‘Tree… which may happen in the next 24 hours or will happen the next time I get to Mum’s (where I can upload things unlike at the library) – I took the questions to be answered videopost off my hard drive and have been carrying it round on a disk so I could bang it online when I tottered round to a friend’s house… where I left it.

It may be quicker just to redo it.

What else? What else? Erm… I am heartily sick of the crappy weather here in the UK – rain rain and more sodding rain. I’ll swap for your heatwave, SJ, with gladness in my heart!

On the weather front can I ask a huge favour of everyone – please can you cash in some good karma with whatever higher power you believe in for sme nice weather on the 9th September? The (purpose number 2) Scout Group is having a Reopening Fun Day that afternoon and the BBQ and stalls will be under canvas if the weather isn’t good which means we’ll probably end up killing someone. I’m not asking for a lot – a touch of blue sky and no water falling would be perfect!

I have been doing posters and invites and badges and flyers and mug designs at a mile a minute for the event which had better be a success! (Please please please…). This one is less about earning money and more about showing off.

Ooo, I know what else! I have been watching Studio 60 and loving every last minute of it. I know it’s been cancelled – I kind of expected nothing less… It’s almost too good…

Right I’m going to update WordPress now and then try and upload the new designs… Fingers crossed!

[tags] life, pre-Flower Show, Studio 60,[/tags]

Offline

Will be and am (as you may have already noticed) offline for the time being. 

Yes, this sucks beyond all manner of words…

Needless to say there is money involved in the not having any and wating to have more.

I will try to get down to the library and post in the next week… It may be a once a week thing at the moment… but I can’t upload anythign so the question answering videopost is staying on my Mac entertaining no one for the foreseeable!

Am wearing a rotation of my Artificial Duck t-shirts at the moment.  (Love them, Love them, Love them) and am doing not much else with my  life.  Unemployment sucks.

So, from the land of grey clouds, rain and not being able to play music while I type I wave in a pathetic manner and wish you all well.

Love you…

No really.

Facing My Past

As I posted a couple of days ago I was seeing a friend I hadn’t seen in a while this weekend. I played with the idea of not going for a while and going ‘dark’ on her, I played with the idea of coming up with an ’emergency’ and not going, I played with the idea of telling her that I just couldn’t face it… And then she sent me a text and I just couldn’t do it. I sucked it up and went.

Right up until the moment I saw her I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. Part of me became convinced that she would leap at me and I would hit the deck in a very dramatic pool of blood but, no, it was fine. No, better than fine… things are fixed between us, unless I am very much mistaken. She knows what happened now, she understands now. I feel as if I have explained… unless… (am just slapping myself upside the head and telling myself to stop being so bloody stupid…).

Her parents are still two of the most fabulous people on the planet and everything was fine. There was a moment tonight when I could have cried it was all so perfect. The sun was out and the sounds of people having lovely conversation with a drink in their hands was so peaceful and cheering. It felt the way a summer’s day is supposed to feel…

There was someone else there that I did not know how I would feel about seeing and I’m still not sure… but bear with me while I work through it in my head.

I have been massively attracted to him for… well… years. He became my goto person in my head, my person I could see myself with if life wasn’t so complicated; my ‘happy thought’ person. I would flit with other relationships, other crushes but pretty much always go back to him. Things had occurred in the past but I knew, just knew it was just drunkedness and convenience for him but being ‘needy’ or ‘wanting’ I welcomed it – taking advantage of the drunk mind… (Beer makes everyone beautiful – even me).

With past disasters in mind (more about those in tomorrow’s post – yes, SJ, it’s the answer to your question – the videopost with everyone else’s is on Monday!) I would never pursue the matter but just wait for the ‘next’ time being absolutely sure that there would be a next time. Then, he was unavailable and I was free. I would be alone forever. It was certain. It is certain.

And then I did the horrible thing which I will NEVER forgive myself for. It was the thing which made me realise that I do not deserve to be happy and in love and all that; because how could someone deserving of those things be happy and in love and all that… do that. It was my least proud moment… It made me lose a friend for two and a half years, (as I said in the previous post the fact that she forgave me makes her a much better person than I could ever aspire to be) and it made me afraid, no terrified of seeing people who make me feel good about myself.

But, instead, I felt a little like a spare part. I was there to face my ‘demons’ (and check to see if hope was alive if I’m being honest) and once I realised the only demons were in my head (and that hope was taking a vacation) I didn’t know what to do with myself. So I threw on the public face and held conversations with the other people there… almost deliberately ignoring him; trying out little dialogues with him just to prove I could… but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was slipping away.

Oh, it could have been so so easy to stay there tonight, get completely smashed and make another mistake but, thank God, he no longer appears to be remotely interested so I can internalise this ‘wanting’ and move on. He can become another ‘whatif?’; another ‘if I had a time machine…’.

I left early. I could have joined the port drinkers but I wasn’t there for that. I was there to face things and I did. (He didn’t say goodbye, okay, I didn’t give him the chance but it still hurt – (yes, it’s female thinkin’)). I bounced along the road, iPod on, elated, full of energy, safe in the knowledge that the road ahead was exactly like my life – continuous with no one to walk with.

Now though… tears building… being totally overemotional. It’s a double edged sword. Safe in a certainty that is soul destroying.

[tags]past love, unrequited, friends,[/tags]